Coming to Christ for me was like the pang of child birth, and I guess you could say I was literally born again in the hospital.
Where to start? I was a happy child, however growing up I matured at a young age and was interested in girls, but I did not know the ways of the world and these girls ended up rejecting me making me take on the spirit of depression.
From probably about 13 on I was depressed, my goal in life was to be an artist, and my parents dabbled with the idea of going to Church, but I thought it would be a boring waste of a Sunday and why bother.
I struggled in life, and when I struggled I believed in God I just did not know the true nature of God. I looked for God in all the wrong places, mainly the internet. I had my own theory of God and the way the universe works, that our souls were infinite and eternal and that God was there to guide the soul to growth, and I essentially ignored the problem of evil and what God’s plan was regarding that. I became a love and light New Ager and took my “theology” from the internet personalities like David Wilcock, who teaches the universe is divine and that we all have a purpose, things that sounded good to me, and I still believe we all fulfill a divine purpose.
Little did I realize I was on a dangerous path, and my deep depression was also causing irreversible damage to my brain. I ended up working in life as a computer scientist because I understood computers better than people, and I liked to play with computers. What made me believe in Christ was the following conversation I had with Christ throughout my life.
The first time I read the bible was at 17 years old and while I kind of believed what I was reading at the time about Christ, I was afraid to tell my parents about him and I prayed to Jesus to show me if I was good or evil, I prayed fully in tears. Then I forgot about Jesus and got married to my first wife. She was adulterous and the reason she came out about it to me was because of a Christian sermon we went to where she felt guilty and spilled the beans about it. I forgave her but she didn’t get the real message, so she did it again and again and I finally got divorced to her.
During that time I was together with her God put some Christians in my life path, which looking back at it were instrumental to being saved. One of them was while I was randomly traveling with my first wife, and he prayed for me. Another was a math professor at my university, and he said something I remember. He said he saw a Christian student and he asked him why he believed, and the Christian student said he believed but the math professor would just out-smart him in challenging his faith, just proving he is smarter and not necessarily proving or disproving the existence of God. This led the math teacher to a path of salvation of his own and he became very in love with God, which puzzled me because I didn’t think Christians were very intelligent at the time, I guess the caricature on TV got to my head.
I remember picking up the bible once and reading that Jesus came for the sick and those in need of healing, and my thought was “I am not sick and in no need of healing,” and so I put the bible back down again. Later I think Jesus triggered my bipolar illness to prove me wrong on this accord, and while I was in the hospital I realized that everyone is sick to one degree or another, it’s just the REALLY sick ones that we notice as a society and shy away from.
These are stories in my life that didn’t necessarily lead to my salvation. I became very enamored in the New Age cult of love and light and this lead me to believe that a person that I would love very much would appear to me, if I only had faith and followed certain steps, such as going downstairs in my building and putting my hands/head against the wall until something happened. The “something” that happened was somebody calling the ambulance for me, which was my first hospitalization. I still say to this day that it was a voluntary hospitalization, but God did something to my brain. He was making sure I actually had some faith to see if I would be able to be saved and put on a different life path without me becoming wicked and mocking Christians too much which I did for a short time watching DarkMatter2525’s youtube videos. Anyway…
My first hospitalization was a bizarre experience and I felt like they were re-enacting the first chapters of the bible at the hospital, and at the time I thought I was a healer/God and I tried to rewrite the rules of creation. I overheard a conversation in the hospital about someone uploading a virus into creation that caused humans to become human and fall from grace. There were mentally ill people there and the hospital was trying to diagnose me as a drug user even though my tests came out clean, later they diagnosed me bipolar. This hospitalization was winter solstice 2011. The theme of my first hospitalization was “if there is a will, there is a way.” I just didn’t know who’s will and what way.
I was in a bipolar support group shortly after my 2011 hospitalization, where I would eventually meet my ex. I thought she was the one at the time, but things just didn’t work out. I would be on and off with her until December 2017.
My second hospitalization was Spring 2013. This time I began to act weird around my family and believed I had the power to free my family from machines from the future. This time in the hospital I met someone who was special and told them we were going to take over the universe together. For better that relationship never worked out. She told me some bizarre things like random people missed me and that she was worried about her daughter Emma.
My third hospitalization was the freakiest hospitalization event ever. I went in because I wasn’t able to sleep for a couple of days and maybe went through some hallucinations. It was in October of 2015, right before Halloween. They slowly sneaked me through the hospital and I got weird messages from people in the hospital. One was that the love you feel in your heart is all that matters, this is what a priest said to a man who thought I was going to steal his girlfriend Amanda? I’m not sure. Then I was attacked in the hospital when they said a witch’s prayer over me and I looked through the dimensional veil and saw a little imp-like creature with it’s finger over its mouth wanting me to be hushed. I was so mesmerized by this that I kept quiet and confused. Then I was taken to my room and I had a strong feeling that people were going to try and kill me, and I became very afraid and would have almost jumped out the window if I was able to. In the hospital there was a mean staff member who called me “man child of God” and told me I wasn’t welcome there and I thought was trying to kill me somehow and I was hissing and screaming when I thought he was trying to kill me, and I heard an old women’s voice in my head saying that me that God and I have my life down to the last nano-second in essence proving God’s existence without God revealing himself, and that I was considered a true son of God, that Jesus’s death caused evil to win for all time. Note that I do not believe this, it could have been an evil spirit talking, I believe Jesus death did the opposite, winning a victory for good for all time. Anyways the second this entity spoke Jesus name, Jesus revealed himself to me, and I got an understanding that Jesus was real! He revealed himself to me! In that moment I felt really stupid, like, “Christianity is true?”
When in the hospital, there was a point where my parents visited me and I confessed to my parents, “Jesus is Lord.” They seemed to be a little bit shocked by that statement. I believe Jesus gave me a second chance here to confess to them directly where I was afraid to do it when I was 17.
The third hospitalization to me proved Jesus and God’s existence but I was still a little bit of the walking dead. My new age friend at the time wanted to get baptized to get right with God, and I wanted to 1-up him and get baptized first, and when I told the church I wanted to be baptized they had me take the introductory alpha course at my church. I learned about God, hell, and sin for the first time in a long time, and began making friends with Christians. And yes, I was baptized, not as a new ager, but as a baby Christian.
One night I said a prayer for God to reveal how he thought about me, and God took me down to the devil’s realm and I heard the words “hedonite isrealite.” Now I know it’s the devils job to kind of make us look bad and I guess this is the worst he had on me. This is kind of a both good and bad mixed message for me, the devil considers me a pleasure seeking Israelite, which is odd because I am not from Israel but I might just be God’s adopted son or a true son of God and so God is considering me an Israelite through this adoption. When I was lifted out of this realm in my dream a wind of voices said, ‘read the word.’
That’s the story of how I found Christ, or maybe he found me. Whatever it was, I am forever thankful for Christ revealing himself to me and proving his existence to me so that I may be a thankful follower.
Shortly after I finally broke off with my ex, I met my wife around February 2018 and we got married in Nov 2018! I finally found a wife after all this experience, God gave me one! I remember asking God, if he wants me single i’ll be single, and if he wants me married I’ll be married! It looks like he wanted me married because I met my wife a month after that prayer! He also freed me from porn addiction about the same time I met my wife. 🙂
God is good.